Monday, December 7, 2009
Lost
The sound of bombs are being fired guns are shot. People are dieing houses are on fire. A little girl is being separated from her dad. Tears run down her face. Her dad has to go fight in the war. Her dad calls out “ Don’t worry and stay there. I will be back soon I promises.” Now she is all alone in the dark house. She is scared and she does not know what to do. It has been a day it is now morning the sun is rising now. She still hears the screams of the men out side her house she is scared but she knows she has to go find her dad. So She takes a step outside and looks around. All she sees are people being shot and killed. She sees people running and hiding. She is scared and does not want to get killed. She starts to make her way threw the battle field until she trips people are shooting and more and more people are dieing. She is crawling on the ground now trying to get out of this area. It has been two hours and still now sine of her dad. She starts crying again she is scared and misses her dad. She says to her self “ I will not give up. I will keep looking no matter what!” She has gone three miles and thinks she can see him. She calls out “Dad, Dad!” He looks “its him she says.” She runs to him she is almost five feet away and he was shot. His last words were “stay safe I love you.” She started crying and she does not want to believe he is dead. It has been hours, days go by, now the war is over and she is sleeping on his cold and gray dead body.
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I really like the ending because it shows the love she has for her dad.
ReplyDeleteNext time maybe add more detail about what she sees around her or tell more why the war is going on.
ReplyDeleteWhat a tragic story! And it is a tragedy; her rise to power comes when she sees her father. You might consider changing your sentence beginnings. Most of the sentences begin with "She." How could you change this?
ReplyDeleteCheck for spelling and punctuation. Otherwise it is very good. =)
ReplyDelete